The Cycle of Life

I have recently been spending more time with the very old, via the volunteering that my family has started doing at an old people’s home. The time with the old has brought me great peace and joy, has reinforced some impressions and challenged some others.

I have observed a lot to support the theory that life is a cycle, in which our end has quite a strong resemblance to our beginning. I guess the theory has little practical application on its own, it is really just a pretty model, but it is amazing how the lessons we learn about dealing with the very young can sometimes be applied as well to the very old.

The theory is most obvious in physical things. When we are born, we cannot control our bodily functions and need nappies. We can only digest simple food, in liquid or puréed form and without too much spice. Our senses are less well developed too, starting life nearly blind and deaf. As we enter our last years, we start to resemble babies in all these respects. We even get physically smaller as well as weaker and more fragile.

These same weaknesses lead to similarities in how very old people and babies need to be treated. As a new father wed to a mother with prior experience, I learned that babies value routine. Many families take their infants on holiday and try to give them grand experiences. While face time is critical to bond, I disagree. The baby does not notice or care about or remember the Eiffel Tower, but will certainly notice the missed sleep on the way and the ill-suited meals and the strange surroundings.

The same becomes true of the very old. The memory of the glorious view or fantastic artistic performance becomes likely to be overshadowed by the unfortunate accident with the nappy on the way or the ordeal of getting up the steps of the theatre, and the sleep pattern can be disturbed for weeks afterwards once the routine is broken.

There are also some similarities in the way old and young people think. Both are more likely to be honest and unadorned in their opinions. Utterances “out of the mouths of babes” are almost as likely to come from old people, so they are good folk to have your assumptions tested and your hubris dented. Both the old and the young know the value of simplification, and both have plenty of time to observe what is going on.

But there are pitfalls in following this model too. Most notable is the temptation to underestimate the intelligence or powers of appreciation of the old. I have learned this the hard way and made some heartless mistakes on the way, and probably still make mistakes every week.

A baby can appreciate music but will not really be able to converse on the merits of Mozart. Just play them the music and share joy from the resulting smiles and peace.

The old can be very different. True, their attention time is shorter. Certainly the hearing will be a lot weaker. Often, their skills of articulation will have diminished too, perhaps because of loss of teeth or mouth function. Sadly, memory can depart as well, though this happens in a peculiar way and varies for different old people. One delightful lady we visit can regale of her childhood in remarkable detail, but ask her if she has already had her soup and she won’t be able to remember.

The mistake is to observe these physical disabilities and to assume that the brain has also become child-like. Sometimes it has, but much more often it has not. It is a great gift to a very old person to respect their intellect and knowledge and to try to engage them in intelligent conversation. Communication may be slow and take some wrong turnings, but the result can still be wonderful. When conversing with a very old person, our model should be that of a foreigner with poor language skills rather than a baby. Too often, we observe baby-like behaviour, and assume a baby-like brain.

One of my singing groups recently performed in “our” old peoples home. It was a wonderful afternoon, full of smiles and warmth. True, some of them struggled to hear everything, some even had to leave part way through for a stretch break or nap or other physical need. Some came along because there was little else to do and would have preferred a different type of music. But many were able to appreciate the concert. It would have been a mistake to include more accessible songs or to compensate in some other way beyond keeping the programme short and the room comfortable.

Recently on PBS I saw a news segment about a wonderful experiment in Seattle, one that might be widely replicated before long. The world has an ever-growing number of very old people who are underemployed for their skills and often bored. It also has a shortage of affordable childcare. In Seattle they have turned these two challenges into a marvellous opportunity, by opening a childcare centre inside an old folks home.

I could immediately imagine how this could work. At “our” home, there is nothing that perks the residents up like children. If a grandchild or great grandchild visits everyone is happy, and the child is given plenty of attention. The residents often display a rare talent for understanding the needs of the young child, perhaps from a mixture of experience, patience and some shared life needs.

Of course, both groups still need professional supervision; they can’t just be left to look after each other. Perhaps there can be some overlap in their care needs, and together there can be efficient use of space, so there can be some cost savings from a combined operation, but that is not the primary motivation to do it.

The primary motivation is about outcomes for both groups. The seniors can have entertainment, exercise their brains, find a bit of a purpose, have something to look forward to, and that way stay healthier for longer. The juniors can be entertained and can learn more easily, can observe different facets of life and be better prepared for pre-school than would otherwise be the case.

One interesting discussion on the news item about the combined facility was about death. The seniors do have a habit of dying, and, no matter how well-prepared they are, the last days and weeks can be difficult. Juniors are not likely to be sensitive in their handling of such issues, and will become confused and frustrated if someone they have come to love suddenly disappears from their lives.

Yet I can see a positive side to this too, as it helps youngsters see another reality of life in a relatively controlled way. Apparently the shared facility will try to shield the very young from the realities of death, but will begin to be more open with the slightly older kids. This seems to make sense.

The very old will become a greater part of everybody’s life in the next generation, as more and more people live to very great ages. With younger generations prizing mobility, caring for the very old will become an even bigger test for society. At the same time, mature societies have learned that the first two or three years of life matter a great deal in terms of preparing infants for better outcomes. Here is that rare idea that can address two pressing concerns at the same time. I applaud the people in Seattle, wish them well and would love to visit one day. But most of all, I’d love to see the idea spread to other places.              

A Speech for Hillary

Today I’d like to talk to you about the American Dream. The American Dream will lie at the center of my campaign, and, if you elect me, the center of my presidency.

The American Dream is all about a fair opportunity for all Americans. If you apply grit and hard work, you have a fair chance of achieving your dream. That is what makes American unique, why people all over the world look up to us and want to be like us, why people want to flock to our great country and help us all grow through their efforts.

As I travel up and down our great land, I hear stories of achievement every day that touch my heart. Our country is stuffed full of wonderful human beings who can make us all proud to be Americans.

We’ve also done a lot as a nation to sustain the American Dream and make it attainable for more people. Seventy years ago women didn’t find it all that easy to dream when they were expected to leave work as soon as they had kids. Fifty years ago African-Americans suffered from segregation and discrimination, placing insurmountable obstacles along the path for most. Thirty years ago, LGBT people had to hide their true selves if they wanted acceptance in society. Ten years ago, thirty million Americans had no health insurance.

We’ve made great strides, almost always under the guidance of Democratic presidents. My opponent would like to turn back the clock. With walls and bans and hate and bullying, he is all about exclusion. This wouldn’t help anyone’s dream, and would positively block the dreams of most.

In contrast to him, I believe in all Americans who want to work hard and live by our values. I will focus on helping more people to attain their dream.

For there is a lot more work to be done. For all our advances in civil rights, economically times have become tougher, and that makes attaining dreams seem further away for most American families.

I have some specific policies to help achieve this. There are particular areas where many Americans are not given a fair shot, where the odds are stacked against ordinary families. Correcting these injustices will be central policies during my presidency.

Research clearly shows that the earliest years of the life of a child are crucial in their development. Even while in the womb, a peaceful loving family environment supports faster learning, and present parents and good childcare and pre-school are important in the first years. By the time two children are five years old, one with all these advantages will be a year or more ahead of one with none. The second child can dream, but the odds are already stacked against them.

Together we can close this gap. Mum may be working multiple jobs to make ends meet late into pregnancy and will start working again before it is healthy to do so, while Dad is often working even longer hours and rarely gets to support the family in other ways. In many parts of our country, families without unusual wealth or grandparents close by have no chance of finding affordable childcare or a good pre-school.

We can focus on each of these shortcomings in our society to improve the chances of our deserving young families. This starts with a fair minimum wage, at least $12.50 and $15 in cities with higher housing costs. I will invest in infrastructure, especially in good mass transit systems so that families can spend more time together.

There are only two countries in the whole world that don’t have statuary maternity leave. One is Papua New Guinea. The other is the United States of America. This is a national disgrace, leading to unhealthy and unfilled lives and to lost dreams. Republicans have repeatedly blocked moves to remedy this injustice, proving decisively that their hearts lie with employers and Wall Street investors rather than with ordinary families.

Next I will work to improve affordable infant childcare provision right across our land, and I pledge to introduce pre-K for all kids before 2020. Every American child should have this fair start to give them a fair chance to pursue their dream, creating wealth for all of us.

There is another long-standing injustice that I am determined to remove. Women may have better access to employment than they did when I was growing up, but it is not fair access. Even now, in 2016, a woman can expect to earn 16% less than man for the same job. This is an outrage.

My opponent has had something to say about this. When asked why he did not pay men and women equally for equal work within his own companies, his response was: “If I employ a woman, I expect to receive only 84% of her energy, the rest will be reserved for her family at home”. I’ll repeat that. “If I employ a woman, I expect to receive only 84% of her energy, the rest will be reserved for her family at home”.

Can you believe the arrogance and misogyny of that response? Such an attitude in an employer in 2016 is a disgrace. As a presidential candidate, it reveals him to be wholly unfit. This man would not just hold back our growth, he would send us back fifty years. Friends, we are better than this. Is this what he means when he claims to be able to make America great again?

None of these policies would be expensive to implement or cost jobs, quite the opposite, an economy that welcomes all its talents is a stronger economy, and a nation that develops its youth as a top priority will prove stronger than its competitors. There is no evidence whatsoever that reasonable minimum wages or maternity leave destroy jobs.

I’d like to do more. I will certainly relieve some of the student loan debt holding back so many American families and will strive to reorganize college tuition to mitigate this problem for students still to enter college. I will strive to reduce inequality, not by punishing the rich but by rewarding the striving poor. A financial transactions tax seems a good way to finance some of this. I will work tirelessly to reduce the number of incarcerated Americans, making families whole again to pursue their dreams, without for a moment being less tough on violent crime. I will work within America and with other nations to make sure that the dreams of future generations are not hindered by pollution and climate change.

I will pursue beneficial trade arrangements, without being soft on any competitors and making sure we support those adversely affected. I’ll be tough too on terrorism and on terrorist nations – my track record demonstrates that.

In the end though, there is only one way to finally defeat other ideologies, and that is to show their adherents that ours is superior, so that they strive to join ours or to make their countries like ours, and to follow our great values and their wonderful dreams once they are here. The American dream is really a global dream for all humanity, if we keep straight on our path of offering a fair shot to everyone, and decisively reject the exclusion pandered by my opponent and his adherents.

I hope you’ll join me on the quest to reignite and strengthen the American dream. Equal pay, parental leave, good childcare and Pre K for all kids, better mass transit and respectable minimum wages are ways to do that. You’ll see a better life as a result, and even more so for your own children and your own grandchildren. That is what a great American has always done and will continue to do in my presidency. Vote for your kids. Vote for your country.          

The joys of taking it slow

I blogged about the book “Happy Money” earlier this year. One of the tips was about making good things a treat, another about giving time and experiences. One conclusion I drew was about making pleasures linger longer, and chores feel shorter.

I have changed my routine somewhat as a result of this insight. I love my morning cup of coffee, either made on the machine at home or a Latte from Starbucks or Panera. But it had become a routine. Every morning when I shopped I visited a store and had a latte, but I started to treat it just as a part of the shopping experience, almost a chore or at least a routine rather than a treat. Once I realized this, I mixed things up a bit. When at home, I waited to make my coffee a bit later in the morning some days. When shopping, some days I did without the latte and other days made it last a bit longer.

I try to do the same with other treats. As a rule, I make a pleasure as long-lasting and as different as possible, while a chore I’ll perform as routine. Washing day is Monday and follows a set pattern. Swimming is Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, always the same lengths. Shopping is in the mornings when queues are short. By making these things a routine, I can do them on autopilot, get them out of the way (but make sure they actually happen), think as little as possible and then forget about them quickly.

The potential for this kind of thinking depends on whether we are time rich or time poor. Time poor people find it easy to make chores a routine, but struggle to fit in enough joys and derive enough pleasure from them. Time rich people can drift into a semi-conscious state and forget to enjoy things too, and even drag out the chores sub-consciously to pass time. Each group has something to learn, and so do groups in transition – retirement represents a shift from time poor to time rich, a frightening shift for many and one that can only succeed by adopting new practices.

Finding things to do quickly and making them faster is the easy bit, because that is the trend in society. Look at Twitter, or speed dating, or Amazon, or binge TV, or sound bite politics. The time-poor are generally the innovators and much of the target market for innovations.

So, as someone still acclimatising myself to being time rich, I started thinking about all the things I could savour for their slowness. The list – compiled slowly and with joy – is a long one.

Whenever anyone asks me nowadays about what I actually do now I’m semi-retired, I ask them about the first hour of their day. It usually includes some chat with their partner, showering, breakfast, some check of e-mails and TV, and rushing to a commute. Well, I explain, that is how my day starts too, apart from the commute, but I make sure I take long enough over all the components and enjoy them all, sometimes for three hours overall. A slow start is my favourite treat.

The slow start includes other treats, one of them slow food. I am not a great cook and don’t really enjoy it, so I cook by routine. But eating is another matter. Breakfast and all meals taste much better if you let them last longer.

The slow start also includes some slow love. That has an everyday part, but the best bit is letting the relationship grow day-by-day, year-by-year. I suppose I understand the attraction of speed dating and tumblr (or whichever is the app that you just select based on a picture), but the joy of a real relationship is its slow development, through all the detours and surprises.

That is especially true for loving relationships, but it applies to any relationship. I have not yet become good at suspending my judgment of people and maintaining curiosity to be surprised them, but I am working on it and it is a very rewarding exercise. Everyone has depth if we only take time to explore it.

What applies to people applies to the world too. Slow news is much more interesting and uplifting than fast news. Fast news usually makes us sad, since it focuses on some disaster or insult or problem. Slow news, the sort found in periodicals and documentaries, tells us much more about our world and the people in it, and the joy comes from discovering that usually things are getting better, despite all that fast news emphasising how bad things are. The Economist is the best at slow news, and the articles full of charts that talk about societal trends are often wonderful.

Then there is slow entertainment. My favourite TV shows and movies are ones where the tension and the action build slowly. Here the British style suits me much more than the American. The crucial difference between US shows and British ones tends to be the pace – the British ones on PBS take their time, are not obsessed with constant action, but build tension as well as exploring character and situation. I wonder why – it might be national character, but more likely it is over-production in the US.

Sports are the same. The trend is for more immediacy, and that has its place – I enjoy 20/20 now in cricket for example. But still nothing beats the excruciating slow build up in a test match. I have come to love baseball for the same reason. Seemingly little can be happening for long periods, but in many cases it is a slowly unfolding story that is all the better for its measured pace.

Slow travel and slow hobbies are other categories. I have never been one for ticking off cities or countries at the frenzied pace, I prefer lingering in places. That sort of travel, and also hobbies like walking, are great also for enabling slow thought. Any concern or reflection or idea becomes better when it can stew over a long walk. Slow thoughts are usually the best thoughts.

There is one more category of slow that I’ve noticed lately while volunteering at a home for the very old. The category is a slow death. By this I don’t mean unwelcome lingering pain, though sadly sometimes that does exist. Rather it is about finding ways to enjoy as well as endure our declining years.

One challenge with decline is the frustration of small defeats. It can lead to recklessness and is a tough balance to find. Everyone may know that stopping driving, or a wheelchair or some other indignity is needed, but it is human nature to hold back such defeats for as long as possible. I don’t really have a solution to this, beyond counting blessings and considering how life is still better than the alternative.

But I do have one tip. Decline often represents one more transition, from time rich to time super rich. The lives of those in the home stretch over endless days of limited activity. The smart ones learn how to spin out and savour slow treats, be they a walk around the garden or a meal or even a Church service.

And all the slow ideas that apply from the transition from time poor to time rich apply even more when time appears endless. Baseball games and long TV series are a wonderful gift to such people – even if they might need two or three naps before the seventh inning stretch, a long evening can pass much easier with the slow build up of a ballgame.

So it would be good for all of us to develop slow pleasures to enjoy. If we are time poor, that may be about pauses and stolen joys. If we may soon transition to being time rich, slow pleasures are the best way to prepare. And the last transition gives us a chance to value slowness even more.