Torrents of Emotion

  

This week we finally achieved a dream I have had for nineteen years, when we touched down in Faro after a short stopover in The Azores. Faro duly had its usual uplifting effect, and my mood lifted immediately. Since then, thanks mainly to my wife, we have achieved minor miracles. Yet of course it is hard to feel wholly euphoric given the context of my disease and constant thoughts about how long we may have together and in what state of health.

 

The project to move from New York may have been the most demanding I have ever participated in, including work projects. This may well have been true even cancer-free. My wife had to close out her work. We had items for sale, gift, disposal and shipment, and arrangements for the shipment were far from simple. Many friends earned and repaid our attention. During the last week came the bulk of the sorting, but we also had a car to sell, a cat the transport and plenty of other paperwork. As the week progressed, we both became progressively more exhausted, and I knew I was not wholly reliable, likely to lose or break mission critical items. I also found myself obsessing over particular details, of which some did not warrant that attention. I was on moderate steroids, so peace was in short supply throughout the week.

 

With copious help, somehow we made it, and the tally of regretful lost items was much smaller than it might have been. We were not quite ready to arrive to a building site, but I suppose it was us who tried to expedite the villa improvements and the contractors had done lots of work.

 

Our goal was to arrive and then immediately slow to retirement pace, but that was never going to be feasible since many critical items in Portugal required immediate attention from whatever energy we could find. Luckily I have enjoyed my healthiest week since the summer so I might have even been a net asset rather than a total liability.

 

The first minor miracle was that immigration arranged an appointment to see me on a date which turned out to be our first in Portugal. We had been applying for months and expected many more delays, complicating all sorts of other administration and maybe costing us money and other opportunities. A kind lawyer chose to drive from Lisbon to accompany us and she made sure that everything went smoothly. That was a big box ticked with a lot of happenstance. We also made progress with our bank.

 

On day two we embarked on two other projects, buying mobile phones and shopping for a car. These may seem reckless so soon after arrival, but hire car costs would mount quickly and working smartphones are rather essential to life nowadays. We made progress in both quests.

 

On Wednesday we turned our attention to medical matters. Our oncologist appointment had been deferred until next Tuesday so we felt we had to make a start beforehand. A couple of my meds had been lost in the packing and Tuesday seemed a long time to wait for them, even if nothing else went wrong before.

 

Our experience showed up some differences between the US and Europe. We managed to find a social health centre, in a place physically reminiscent of the DMV or Jamaica public sector offices, but the service was outstanding. Everyone was happy to talk in English despite the technical content. My wife was immediately given a health service number and will be allocated a primary care doctor within a few days, and I will receive the same once the immigration is finished. There was a publicly funded doctor on hand to give me an appointment within two hours. I had to pay full cost, but 31 euros felt very affordable, and even more so when the meds that they happily prescribed cost only six euros for a year’s supply. We were so chuffed that we went back to the car dealer and closed a deal before the end of the day, and meanwhile we had finished unpacking what we brought and had reached a manageable position for the building project.

 

On day four we had to close out insurance, payment, paperwork and delivery of the car, and our dealer, not from a profession I generally admire, turned out to be very helpful and not just out for quick profit. Then we turned our attention back to the phones. They are in our hands but we have some self-training to complete. Tomorrow we return our hire car, and on Saturday morning we hope to secure a good TV package. Not bad for one week! But we are in a state of perpetual exhaustion.

 

It is hard to maintain any overview of the big picture amidst such chaos.

 

 Fortunately we can surely slow down next week to regain some perspective and a little peace. We cannot retain this level of emotion, though of course emotion is an outcome not a choice so we cannot be certain. During the last two weeks we have both witnessed elation, pride, intense love and extreme thankfulness, but at times also something close to despair, being overwhelmed and out of control, intense fear and something like foreboding. Perhaps it is just as well that we have not had time to reflect. Under this sort of pressure, it probably pays to stay practical and in the moment.

 

Still, once we can focus on the bigger picture we will surely find something very nuanced. We have indeed accomplished a dream in making it here and the opportunities for a wonderful life feel wonderful, together and surrounded by friends and family and new acquaintances and activities. The food is pretty good too.

 

The other side of the context will be something we have to embrace more and more. The cancer feels likely to accelerate very soon, though of course we could be lucky and be given a further extended period of grace. We just have to be as prepared as we can be and remember to be thankful for what we have had, what we still have, and what we can continue to look forward to. In this new phase we will develop new mantras and strategies, remain hopeful and positive, and accept whatever may come as gracefully as we can.

 

One new mantra will surely involve peace. The last two weeks has not offered the most propitious start for that. But it feels that we are in the ideal place for the emotional torrent to recede quickly. It already has. 

Farewell to New York

Our one-way tickets to Portugal are booked for October 19^th , just ten days away. There have been periods, especially since my cancer diagnosis, when we had many doubts about fulfilling our dream to live at our Algarve home, and even a few times when one or both of us became unsure that we really wanted that outcome. But, barring unlikely disasters in the coming days, we really are going to make it. How healthy I will be for how long remains far from certain, but we are generally determined to enjoy whatever time we have, always feeling grateful for the opportunities we have been given.

 

So, God willing, my next and subsequent posts will be created in Portugal. That means it is timely to reflect on the twelve years we have lived in New York. Overall, they have been good times for us.

 

I confess to having become quite jaundiced about th e state of US society in recent years. If I am asked about what I will miss, I happily list friends and family and my special Sunday mornings at St Josephs but the list ends there. A refrain of mine is to bewail how broken is US society in so many ways. Looking at all the most important indicators, from healthy life expectancy to happiness or road traffic deaths, the US has fallen from a world leader to a rich world laggard over the course of my lifetime. Yet none of these indictors even warrants a mention in what passes for political discourse.

 

Most Americans concur with my narrative about a broken country. But mot of those same Americans would still defend the narrative about the USA being the greatest country in the world. I can only think of one metric where that is clearly true, that being military might. But any analysis of how that mjght has been deployed since 1945 would reveal a litany of failure and devastation. And still countries are declared enemy combatants with little justification and huge consequences for everyone’s prosperity. \

 

Lexington is a reliably strong page in The Economist. Every so often columnists are rotated and I recall one farwell article. The first paragraph extolled America and following paragrapghs sought examples of America’s attraction. Every example brought out aspects where humanity had yet to do damage. The nature, abundance and fertility of land, and potential of America is unique in the world. Yet whenever humans muscle in this potential is sacrificed.

 

During our first summer here, we visited some lovely places including Lake George and Fire Island. I both cases, we tried to go for a stroll once we had settled in. But our walks were curtailed almost immediately by notices telling us that the land was private and out of bounds to casual visitors. What a waste!

 

Like departing Lexington, I started this piece with the aim of praising America, but found myself diverted into darker territory. I will try to restore some balance in the rest of this piece.

 

New York has been good for my family. My wife has thrived at work. We arrived with two timid pre-teens, yet each has developed into an impressive young adult. I invested heavily into my singing hobby and my effort was repaid many times over. Culture is often excellent in NYC.

 

America also does sports very well, once you get past the annoyance of domestic eventsbeing mis-cast as a world championships. We have had great days and nights enjoying live sports events. In our last weeks here we have enjoyed yet one more lovely night at the open tennis, I have added two more Broadway plays to my resumé, and I even got to sing the national anthem with a choir at Yankee stadium. I even think I got most of the words right, not a simple feat.

 

Inevitably, the final two years of our New York memories will be clouded by my cancer diagnosis. Right on cue, things took a turn for the worse in recent days. Yesterday we were offered a tough choice of whether to have one more operation. The left side tumours are well-suppressed at the moment, but the right side is growing. With heavy hearts, we agreed that an operation now would be too risky and burdensome, so in some respect we are accepting that the cancer will take its path. Until now, steroids and other treatments have kep episodes and the most unpleasant symptoms under control, but that is likely to become progressively more difficult in the coming months.

 

The USA may be broken, but it has as many good people as anywhere else, and it has been our privilege to meet, work with, admire and build friendships with many New Yorkers. Especially in the last two years, we have experienced deep wells of love and support, of friendship and hope. It all makes a difference, and we are so grateful for all of it. People are good. Americans are good. New Yorkers are good. My wife and I, and both our younger kids and our US based family, have been beneficiaries.

 

For us it feels the right time to leave this continent and to seek a more peaceful and comfortable life in Portugal, filling our last days together, whether few or many, with love, prayer and hope. We wish this country and indeed this continent, the strength to utilise more of its abundant potential. I will try hard to see more of the strengths and less of the brokenness from our new vantage point. I do feel that we are going home, after a prolonged and enjoyable adventure. Home is where the heart is. But we are grateful for the adventure and for everything it has offered our family. Fare thee well, great city and great country. Just go easy please on the ludicrous bragging about being the greatest.