The next sexual revolution

Some people, mainly men, seem to think that female emancipation has gone far enough or even too far, and that the sexes are equal now in everything that matters. These people point to high profile cracks in the glass ceiling. While some of these are impressive, and I fancy that maybe five of the most important political posts in the developed world might soon all be held by impressive women (Clinton, Merkel, May, Lagarde and Helen Clark or another woman as UN General secretary), I think we ought to remind ourselves how far gender equality still has to travel, and think of ways the next leaps might be supported.

But let’s start with the good news. The most impressive politicians in the world nowadays are usually female, and increasingly the same holds for top business people. In the developed world, women now predominate on university campuses. Three generations ago women could not vote, two generations ago they could only work in teaching or nursing, and one generation ago they still had to wait for a man to initiate any sexual relationship that might progress towards a longer-term partnership. These taboos have all loosened. Even the Olympics have opened up, slowly challenging old-fashioned ideas about what sports might be suitable for women.

Of course, in the developing world the picture is far less rosy for women. Female genital mutilation is still widespread in some countries. Honour killings betray residual neolithic attitudes towards sexual practices. In some countries girls are still denied schooling. And, worst of all, the two largest countries in the world both suffer from horrific gender-based abortion.

But even in the west we should be far from complacent. True, most occupations are now fully available to women, but in the US they cannot expect the same remuneration, and a pregnancy career break can be harmful to prospects. True, women can vote nowadays, but the most powerful country on earth can somehow still select a naked misogynist as a candidate, his views somehow even supported by some women. True, I have been able to enjoy plenty of women’s sports over recent days, but that only goes to show how marginalised women’s sports are most of the time, and is beach volleyball, with its bikini uniforms seemingly regulated towards soft porn standards, really an example of emancipation?

And the biggest challenges remain where sex or its prospect prevents an equal discourse. Just today, a UK study showed that 50% of all women claimed to have suffered some inappropriate treatment at some point. And it is not just beach volleyball where soft porn mixes with other motives. Why do we still have cheerleaders? Why is it that every male news or sports broadcaster seems to be over fifty while all the women are young and glamorous and wearing short skirts? Why do Hollywood actresses fail to attract roles once they are past thirty- five? Why does every prominent woman have to answer to her weight and her sex life and how she will balance work with home life, while men do not?

It’s complicated. All these things are unacceptable, but somehow they won’t go away. And part of that comes down to fundamental differences between the sexes. The question becomes whether some of those fundamental differences can evolve, and whether their impact can somehow be insulated from other aspects of our lives. These questions are far from simple.

I went through a phase wondering whether boys’ preferences for trains and blue and fighting and girls’ preferences for dolls and pink and sentiment were somehow learned rather than genetic, until I had a child of my own and saw a girl emerge with all the traditional preferences without any influence from me. What is true is that our sexuality is nuanced, that all of us have our own cocktail of masculinity and femininity, and that homosexuality and even transgender feelings are normal within a spectrum. But, generally speaking, most girls will still be (mostly) girl and most boys mostly boy.

So guys think about sex all the time, even if not every ten seconds as studies used to claim. So beach volleyball and ESPN skirts make men more likely to tune in. Most guys are hunters, looking for places to spread their seed, and female physical appeal plays a large part in their mental process. Most women are subconsciously looking to nest and nurture and to find good quality sperm for the lifetime wellbeing of their offspring, so their sex drive is subtly different. There are also the physical facts to consider: women live longer, and it is they who have babies, along with periods and a menopause, while men are physically stronger so more at risk to commit rape or abuse (at least physically).

We are learning as humans, but these fundamentals still get in the way. It is most obvious in the dating game, for centuries rigged by dogma from the Church and power retention by wealthy men. The sixties, then social media and dating apps, have challenged the dogma. But it is still seen as a social plus for boys to have many partners and a social minus for girls. It is boys who must propose, at each step, and girls who are supposed to be coy.

The result is anxiety. Half of the girls in my daughter’s class were at one point getting medical help for anxiety relating to their sexual esteem – looks, attractiveness, weight, worth and so on. The girls still fret, nowadays at a faster tempo and on their phones. Perceived rejection comes ever stronger and more publicly. As for boys, they are still supposed to play the game, so some forms of no mean maybe or try harder, until finally no really does mean no and shame results, or worse if there is a misinterpretation.

Most kids seem to come through it, and by the time they reach their twenties most seem at ease in their skin and their sexuality. But the journey can be tough, and some are scarred. If we really want to fight ISIS, this is a good place to start – most of these young kids are confused by the new rules and conflicting advice and shameful feelings. And for some girls, their response is also extreme, ostensibly in the name of liberation, as they demean themselves on selfies or more publicly.

So this is the space where the retreating old rules meet the ever-present fundamentals, with a messy outcome. Surely we should desire for more feminine progress and equality? As a simple example, shouldn’t high heels, painful and damaging as they are, be somehow consigned to history? Why do women still spend an hour or more of their day dressing and making themselves up as peahens, and subject themselves to ever more extreme diets?

The next stage of progress can only come by further separating the norms from the fundamentals. We must recognise the fundamentals are there, but design the rules so they avoid the worst outcomes. What would this look like? We would further separate sex from its consequences, encouraging open and transparent discussion of sex with none of the code and coyness. Perhaps science can make pregnancy an impossible outcome of sex unless somehow both partners had consented some physical way to its desirability. Then any baby could be more obviously the lifetime responsibility of both parents. Also, perhaps marriage can be complemented by other partnership contracts that can be shorter, renewed every ten years or so.

I am not yet advocating all of this, as much of it challenges my values. More important still, humans would once again being declaring power over evolution, with consequences potentially just as damaging as climate change. Sweden is the society where the women are most obviously dominant, and we can already see an effect on male self-esteem – widespread infertility may follow. We challenge nature at our peril.

But I am also challenged by unnecessary anxiety and by persistent inequality in the world. The developed world is still not fair to women, and the developing world even less so. There are many leaps forward to be made, and some of the next ones will require us to challenge some core values.