Happy

 One of my favourite jokes is about happiness. True to my love of dark British humour, the joke itself is not a happy one. It comes from the peerless TV show Fawlty Towers, and involves a conversation between Basil and Sybil.

 

Locked into a desolate marriage, the pair live their lives as separately as possible, Basil especially filled with bitterness, shame and resentment. On the occasion for this joke, things at the hotel have been going unusually well, and Sybil takes a risk by talking to Basil, a rare occurrence and one she will usually regret. She asks how he is feeling, and he replies neutrally. Sybil persists: ‘but are you happy, Basil?” “Happy?” “Ah, happy”, comes his reply. “I remember happy”. The depth of despair in this interchange is truly brilliant.

 

The joke came to my mind this week for a lovely reason. I discovered this week that, once again, I am happy myself. That is the first time I have been able to say that since our Europe trip in June. I was happy for that whole month, but then not since, until now.

 

It is hard to be happy, in more than a fleeting sense, if we do not feel fully well. I have experienced this issue many times, but especially during the last three months. Ever since picking up Covid on the flight home from Europe, I have not been fully well. The last months have involved an operation, many scans and treatments, and lots of side effects. Sometimes these have been severe and disabling, and always there has been a lingering sense of fear that things could be about to get worse or become permanently disabling. The fear is the toughest thing to get past. It is only now, with all symptoms back to where they were before the summer, that the fear has lifted. For the last two weeks my only issue has been the side effects from steroids, but that inhibited sleep and affected my mood. Only now, with steroids tapered towards zero has the door opened for happiness.

 

With the opportunity for happiness returning, I have been fortunate to have encountered several positive happiness triggers over the last couple of weeks. Perhaps the turning point when I fortuitously got my laptop back after the incident with hot tea. It is strange how helpless I felt without my laptop, and how its restoration pepped me up.

 

Next, I can swim again, now that eight weeks has passed since the most recent operation. Even better, the steam room at my local pool has been functioning properly for a change, so I can reward myself with a lovely steam after the exertion of swimming. But the main benefit of swimming has been the realisation that I can do it without negative consequences. On the subject of exercise, I am also delighted to discover that I can enjoy walking again. On Saturday I estimate that I walked for over ten kilometres, and only felt good afterwards. This week I also went to a Broadway play. Even though the play turned out to be a disappointment, that was one more experience to help me feel happy.

 

Positive self-assessment lies behind other triggers for happiness. While experiencing side effects from radiation, I was worried about my short-term memory. Memory issues were flagged as a common side effect, and I was warned that some of these could be permanent. So I have not been able to resist testing myself, especially when I wake up (which has been several times each night while I have been on steroids). Initially my results were inconclusive. I sometimes struggled remembering names, though I was not sure if that was a new or worsening phenomenon or simply something that had been true for months or years. But, once the other happiness triggers were in place, I realised that my memory was absolutely fine, as far as I could tell.

 

Another trigger was realising that my eyesight was improving again. I believe that eyesight issues had a lot to do with my episodes of disorientation during August. Into September there were certainly residual problems with lack of focus and blurriness. But these have gone now. Perhaps my hearing is restored too. It is certainly more comfortable wearing my hearing aids than it was a month ago. I find also that I can do some tough puzzles again on my laptop, another boost for confidence. Beforehand, either brain or eyesight issues made that infeasible. The burst of energy that came from completing one puzzle successfully was lovely.

 

I do miss singing in choirs, but that has led me to appreciate more the opportunities to sing that remain. Cantoring at mass at our local church or at the home where we volunteer has never given me more pleasure.

 

All these triggers for happiness seem to have been piling up over the last couple of weeks. But the biggest trigger of all is abundantly clear. We have booked our tickets to move to Portugal! In just four short weeks, all being well, we will be waking in Portugal each morning and savouring the peace, comfort and love that our home there has to offer. After a few false starts and delays, and after recent fears, it is such a relief to be so close to finally moving, and perhaps we can be lucky enough to still have an extended period of good health to look forward to there.

 

It feels wonderful to know that, once again, I am happy. I understand more fully now how tough it is to feel happy while suffering even mild discomfort, and, especially, when feeling fear about how symptoms might develop. But the fear has now passed for the time being, and that has created space for good people and good fortune, and even some smart moves by me.

 

Are there lessons to be learned here? I am not sure. I suppose a good goal might be find happiness even when not feeling 100%. That is tough. But perhaps we can achieve it. A key might be moving past fear. As the illness develops, I have to expect periods of discomfort, and ultimately permanent discomfort. Does that make happiness impossible? Perhaps it does, but maybe not if we can move beyond fear. That feels like a desirable goal. It feels like it will be easier to achieve in Portugal than here in the US, but I suppose we will have to discover that ourselves when the time comes. For now, I am happy once again, and feel very thankful for that.