Inner Peace

I have come to appreciate the concept of Inner Peace. Several months ago, our Dutch priest used the concept – he wished inner peace on all of us, stating that maybe that was as good as it got as a human being. When I thought about it, I agreed with him. If we can be at peace inside ourselves, we can reach a state of rare contentment. Even if it sounds rather dull compared with becoming CEO or rich or even in love, surely that is a great ambition?

Our favourite CD at home is called Music for Inner Peace by Harry Christophers and the Sixteen. It is a collection of choral music, mainly from the renaissance. Even if you don’t normally listen to such stuff, I recommend it, since the music really does seem to be able to take layers of tension away.

This month I have been fortunate enough to attend two singing workshops, one of Bach and the other of this wonderful earlier music. As holidays, these are a pure joy to me. The second one had an additional feature that every evening we finished the day by singing Compline, an ancient, simple service handed down from monasteries. The effect on many of us was stunning each night, the tensions of the day just flooding out of our bodies with the repetitive meditative chants. These early monks surely had some life lessons right, and most likely people favouring other forms of meditation have achieved similar peace.

At this stage of my life, I feel blessed to have some level of inner peace. When I look back, this has not always been the case. I remember my teenage years as anything but peaceful. I was consumed by a fear of girls and intimacy, and became paralysed by it, unable to find anyone to share this with or an easy way out. This fear led to acne, and more self-loathing, and the whole thing became self-perpetuating. I believe this was far from uncommon among my generation, often mixed in with unclear thoughts about sexuality and sin. One great feature of the last thirty years is that this all-consuming fear seems a lot less common now, as kids have learned to be more open with each other and parents have learned a trick or two as well.

Later in my life I had a long phase of maintaining a secret, unable to admit to anyone that something unhealthy lingered inside my home. This secret gave me shame and fear and frequently dread of certain social situations. The relief that flooded through me as I finally found the courage to admit to this secret and to confront it changed my life, although that same courage had unwelcome side effects as well. My belief is that many lives are blighted by such secrets.

When I tried to draw up a list of all the things that inhibited us from finding inner peace, I surprised myself at how long the list turned out to be. Maybe it is not surprising that one meets so few people who seem to have discovered such peace. Most seem to fall into three categories: the very young, who know no better; those in monastic or similar situations; and people reconciled to dying very shortly. In some ways this is not very encouraging, as for most of us this leaves a long gap between our first days and our very last days, while becoming a monk lacks appeal as well.

Many people have very basic reasons to lack inner peace. It is a tough life when one is frequently cold, or hungry, or in pain, or beaten, or feel responsible to a family where cold or hunger is just around the corner, or when a loved one has recently died prematurely. This remains the majority in some parts of the world, and was the majority everywhere not many generations ago. Luckily, in much of the developed world this is no longer the case, although underemployment lurks just around the corner for many, and it is certainly valid for the youth of today to have fear about where their lifetime of income might come from.

Even if we have a home and a job and a means of feeding ourselves, there are many obstacles to inner peace. Money lies behind some. Debt has become a modern-day curse, and blights so many lives. A recent study has found that wealth and happiness are more closely related than previously established. My belief is that indeed the link is stronger now, and solely because so many people are in debt. It is tough to be happy when fear stalks the arrival of the post or phone calls.

Now run down the following list. I believe I have come across people consumed by all of the emotions below.

There is fear of death itself, and the linked fear of judgement, and the anticipated shame of not having done enough with the life we have been given.

There is shame of our physical appearance and short-comings, especially our weight. There is fear of being able to find sexual partners, of our exposed inadequacies, of humiliation. There is the fear of loneliness, of long years without loving company, and having to deal with the pity of others.

There is anger at not being recognized for our true worth, at our perception of being discriminated against or the lack of a level playing field. This can lead to disdain for a boss or employer. Sometimes, there is some secret self-loathing behind this. Sometimes there is all-consuming anger, envy or jealousy of others who we perceive to have benefited unfairly.

There is guilt and shame and fear of exposure for past misdeeds or present habits. Perhaps we feel a fraud in some important aspect of our life, and can’t face up to it, even to ourselves. This leads us to lie, and every lie adds to the hurt.

Then there are relationships which are broken, left without apology or reconciliation and only leading to pain, resentment, guilt or anger.

The list could go on and on. And these are just some of the chronic ones. Even if we can get past those, not an easy task, we might still be prone to acute outbursts of anger (politicians, other drivers?) or fear (driving a new road, skiing?) or envy (neighbours) or shame (parents) or guilt (parents again). It is no wonder that peace is so elusive.

Religion seems to me to have a mixed track record in this area. A lot of the principles are very helpful. Trusting to a God can help reconcile us to death and to the large things outside our control. Counting our blessings is always a good idea. So can be confession and absolution, if that can expose and detoxify secrets. But many religions also place large expectations on us, setting us up to fail and suffer, and also emphasise judgement. It is surprising how much of Christian Gospels are about judgement. This hardly seems easy to reconcile with inner peace.

Some other programmes seem well-suited, for example twelve step programmes. The whole mantra could be summed up as a manual to find inner peace, and seems relevant to all of us, not just addicts. Key elements are trust in a higher power, confession and reconciliation (with oneself and others). The serenity prayer is marvelous. If we can only find the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference, then inner peace might be just around the corner.

So what am I advocating here? Well, first, I think inner peace is an excellent conscious goal for most of us. It may not sound much fun, but it is tough to realize, and a great foundation for items like love and joy. One good way to assess your peace level may be to observe how well you are sleeping. I have been blessed with great sleep through my life so far, the exception being when I was least at peace.

Next, once we agree to the goal, we have to work at the obstacles one by one, which means facing up to them. Secrets are not generally beneficial, nor are habits of lies. If there is something about ourselves that we hate, we have two good choices: get over it or change it. Suffering it is not a good choice. Things like the serenity prayer can help. Openness to selected others and displaying vulnerability can help too.

Next, we can love and serve others better by helping them find inner peace. That may be hard except in those we are very close to, but for sure we will be stuck in a few broken relationships, including most likely some family members, and we always have the option of apologizing first, even if we are completely sure nothing was our fault. With our life partners and our children and our parents, the scope will be greater.

Next, we can try to simplify our lives. Simpler lives tend to have fewer anxieties. The more we expect of ourselves and others, the more we are sure to be disappointed. Perhaps we cannot all strive to be monks, but all of us can find ways to make our lives simpler and hence more peaceful.

Finally, we can use techniques like prayer, breathing, meditation and even Compline. These don’t replace tough working on root causes, but they can certainly help make the journey easier.