Sex and Power

Another day, another allegation, another reputation ruined. The dam certainly seems to have burst. Time magazine gave its person of the year award to the brave women who burst that dam, and I heartily approve.

Every time a new story breaks, it creates a mixture of emotions in me. I feel for the victims and admiration for those speaking out. My disdain for the perpetrators is strong as well. But then in some of the stories a part of me wonders if society, that is all of us, has been guilty in setting up this ugly drama. And then I wonder how best we can dismantle the norms that created this mess, without too many unintended consequences.

Perhaps I am not qualified to opine on this subject, by virtue of being a man, indeed a heterosexual man from the generation of many of the perpetrators who also had some power during his career. I’ll risk it. And, just like Jonathan Friedland writing about this in the Guardian Weekly, I’ll start by making clear that there are no excuses. This is not merely boys being boys or women egging them on or prior societal norms being exposed. This is usually disgusting abuse of power for which there is no excuse. The more this abused is exposed and punished the better. And, even more, the sooner we can make this abuse less likely in the future the better as well.

I don’t have skeletons myself, I’m relieved to say, perhaps as much to do with happenstance as any moral virtue. But it is interesting to look deep into the eyes of male middle-aged newsreaders as they announce the demise of another erstwhile colleague. Do I see trepidation sometimes?

I wonder if some sort of amnesty would help in this situation, because it is likely to go on a long time and maybe cause more pain than is necessary. By amnesty I am not suggesting letting anybody off. I am thinking more like the various truth and reconciliation processes that have been successful around the world recently, most notably in South Africa after apartheid.

Following that template, there must be some distinction depending on the level of the crime. Underage abuse and rape are always intolerable. But groping or unwelcome propositioning could be treated differently. If coming clean about such things would bring a consequence of, say, suspension from work for five years and the requirement to pay a proportion of wealth to relevant causes, but also carry some legal and publicity safeguards, perhaps men would start to come forward, rather than face the lottery of waiting to see if any victim would accuse them.

I am simply trying to lance the boil here. This solution could create some funding (for people other than lawyers), spare some victims from tough choices, and help everyone to move on. Of course, those who did not come forward but were later called out would rightly face even tougher censure than today, having missed the chance to confess.

There are two more potentially positive consequences. One is about cleaning house. There are other reasons that it is time for my generation to get out of public life. The next group will do a much better job than us. And the other is about creating clear standards and clear red lines between groups that accept these standards and those that flout them. In the short term in the US, democrats will lose some members and maybe even a few seats. In the longer run, the party equivocating about the likes of Roy Moore and even Donald Trump will be exposed for what it is and punished at the ballot box.

Returning to societal remedies, there have been various articles penned that point towards solutions. At its heart this is about the attitude of society towards sex, and about power. Levers to improve must address one or the other.

The PBS Newshour has provided excellent conversations about sex abuse ever since the Weinstein story broke, no doubt with editorial input from Judy Woodruff. The commentators have tended to focus on the power side of the equation. Many think it starts in mundane places. If minimum wage staff in restaurants had more security, then their bosses would find it harder to bully them. If those same people were not so dependent on tips, they would have less need to compromise their own standards of flirtation. I find this a powerful argument; perhaps the best of all for killing the ridiculous tip culture in the US.

The Netherlands is my example for this aspect. Customer service in Holland can be terrible; more often it is minimal, with little extra offered. The reason is cultural. Service people do not consider themselves subservient to a customer or a boss; they are merely providing a service for a fee to an equal. They have rights, and, more important, they have pride. This can take some pleasure from various experiences, but I find that a good trade off. Emulating that culture would help the rest of the world, and reduce the sexual abuse of the powerful.

Then there is the sex dimension. This can be even harder. I read an article arguing for legalisation of sex work. By the same token, more readily available pornography is probably a good thing. Men have sex drives. Give us ways to satisfy them without disrespecting others – even those men who are socially limited. There is still a lot of historical rubbish in how we are trained to think of sex. As an example, let us redefine someone what a sex pervert is. If it someone who enjoys looking at breasts, then not many of us would not qualify.

Tougher are jobs where sex appeal is part of the package. I watch ESPN. Most shows have an older male anchor, and a female one who is young, wears heels and short skirts, and who often seems to have a camera angle favoured for ogling. The reality is that viewing figures would go down if that changed. But while it persists, the executives will recruit those willing to flirt, and some will be tempted to flirt themselves, and some of the women will feel they have to respond to keep their job.

Partly, the problems will solve themselves, but we have to keep pushing the accelerator. The coming generation has far healthier attitudes to gender, sex and power. The current furore will act as a great deterrent. And slowly more women will be in the power positions, and more men will choose to call out bad behaviour.

The there is what my daughter calls the game. Men must initiate. Women must be coy. Women have often evolved to be aroused by the fun of teasing, and the prospect of submission to power. Men are aroused by a tough conquest. It is how we are, and without it we risk losing our fertility, but the game is fraught with risks and potentially ugly consequences. Should we change some of the rules? Sexual freedom, some role rebalancing and looser forms of commitment might help, as can more honesty about current realities.

And maybe we need to rethink some norms. Consent can be at sixteen in most cases, but maybe twenty-one or higher where there is a power or age imbalance.

There are many ways forward, and despite the negative influences of churches and my generation of leaders, forward we will go. It can’t be quick enough, for every day creates new victims, especially considering the developing world. But Time is right. Those brave women have given fresh impetus to a necessary process.