My treatment continues to progress remarkably smoothly, and I feel better now than I have done since before the operation at Christmas, including emotionally. When we first received the diagnosis, all of those in my inner circle will have made their own guesses for how this disease was most likely to progress, whether based on discussions, experience, Google, or statements from doctors. It is clear now that most of us thought that by now I would most likely be in serious decline, or at least that was the scenario we should prepare for and plan around. Every so often I have a conversation that reveals this thinking: loved ones are pleased but also surprised that I am still going strong.
Now I sense that we are all adjusting our mindset based on the new situation, that possibly this healthy extension to life can last longer than a few months. The original tumour did not behave as aggressively as expected, surgery proved possible and was successful, and the subsequent treatments have kept the cancer at bay so far. Apart from peripheral vision problems, I have no new symptoms and have tolerated the treatment well and have avoided infections, seizures, falls, fevers, and other possible pitfalls, indicating some stability of general health as well as some good luck. Now the treatment regime is stable and not too arduous. We might be able to keep the lucky streak going for several more months, or even longer.
It is my general good health that makes me feel most lucky. I always knew there was a chance of living with this cancer for more than a few months, but I think I assumed there would be more of a price to pay, both for me and for my wife. Even in a good scenario, I thought I would be more diminished by now. As it is, my eyesight is a mess but otherwise I am living more or less as I did before, only having to tolerate minor inconveniences such as occasional nausea.
from the beginning of this experience, it is the consequences of progressive decline that I fear more than death. Healthy life expectancy mattered more to me than life expectancy per se. I somehow associated the likely progression of my illness with more or less constant pain, trips in and out of hospital, inability to do much more than vegetate at home, and, perhaps the most fear inducing thought of all, mental degeneration. I also dreaded the effect that this sort of progression would have on my wife, condemning her to sacrifice her own career and months of her precious time to endless caring.
All of this might still come to pass. But there is something about my current situation which makes that feel less likely now, at least for a few months. If the treatments have worked well so far, why would they suddenly stop working? If I have avoided all the pitfalls so far, why would that lucky streak not continue? The doctors have a clear path forward, one that has worked for many others in recent years. Medicine continues to improve, and it might even prove possible to recover from one or two setbacks.
So now we are in the final stages of planning a long trip to Europe in May and June, filled with family visits and even a singing week in Italy. This trip always felt possible, but in my mind it seemed more likely to be a part of a bittersweet process of closure, involving administrative tidying up and long goodbyes. I sense we are all feeling a lot more optimistic about it now. We might be able to enjoy it, and even to muse about repeating it again and again. There will surely be many tears shed in Portugal, but perhaps the emotional tone can be somewhat lighter than we thought.
I do feel a sensation now that I have entered a period of bonus time, an extension of relatively good health that I did not anticipate.
Bonus time does not change everything. We must still accept that this cancer will win eventually and could choose any moment to strike. We must still prepare, taking our parallel journeys to different destinations. Our discoveries about the emotional journey remain valid and intensely valuable, notably the importance of thankfulness and the inordinate value of love and care and communication.
But bonus time does create opportunities, and I am still struggling to discover the best approach to making the most of those opportunities. The month we will arrive in Portugal will be the month we had originally planned to move there permanently. That plan did the minute I received the diagnosis – it still makes no sense for my wife to plan for a widowhood in The Algarve. But this no longer feels merely like a visit of closure either. It does not signal the previously anticipated bright new future, but neither is it merely a limp to the exit door. It is something in between those extremes, and together we must determine where on that spectrum this visit lies.
The bonus time conundrum does come back to the challenge of the parallel journeys. We do know our likely destinations, even if the timing remains shrouded in uncertainty. The core decision still concerns where my wife might choose to live as a widow, and with what work. If she is ready to make those choices already, then bonus time offers an opportunity to implement some things. For me, nothing would give me greater pleasure than helping my wife whenever she is ready to make these decisions, and to be a strong partner in implementing them if physically and mentally able.
But there is no need to rush anything either. We can happily paddle along where we are now, in a comfortable apartment close to the best medical care, and with my wife carrying on with a job she enjoys. Even then, I should consider opportunities that bonus time could offer. It would be a shame if I drifted through bonus time and then regretted how I might have been able to use it.
Without undue rush, I want to start considering these opportunities. This week I made my first bonus time resolution. Next week I will restart my online Portuguese course. Last summer I was enjoying that for an hour a day and making rapid progress. Once our resettlement plan was discarded that felt pointless to continue, and the prospect was also emotionally difficult for me. But bonus time changes that. Practice Portuguese dot com, be prepared to welcome back your former pupil!
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