Where to bring up Children

In democracies, it often seems to me depressing what our political parties offer us to choose between. They are usually equally likely to join a war. Few have much idea about climate change, apart from the greens, who may have no idea about anything else. There are some racists to swiftly pass over. The rest? Minor differences about more or less tax and vague similar promises about schools or hospitals with little hope of being fulfilled. No wonder turnout goes down and cynicism up.

Every so often something comes up where I feel there is a real issue missed. A good example is the survey issued in April by the Child Poverty Action Group, comparing EU countries for how they achieved good outcomes for children. Here is a link to one report of this study. http://www.cpag.org.uk/info/ChildWellbeingandChildPoverty.pdf. A previous study had similar results and the advantage of including the USA, which was duly placed next to last in the league table with only the UK below it. Now isn’t this a fantastic piece of benchmarked evidence? You could build a whole election campaign around it. So why doesn’t someone?

I love this survey. First, I have to confess I love it as a smug parent. I am British, and took my daughter out of the UK aged six to be brought up in Sweden, Norway and the Netherlands. Low and behold, the UK ends up in the relegation zone, while the three countries we’ve lived in are ranked 1,2 and 3. You can forgive me being a bit smug, OK?

I also love it as a statistician. Dig into the indicators they use to determine the rankings. They are diverse. They are objective and measurable. They are very good proxies for what they are trying to measure. It is hard to argue that a country with lower teenage pregnancy or drug addiction, better housing, closer friendships, outdoor lifestyle, higher educational attainment, closer parental bonds, and lower child mortality is not a relatively good place for children to grow up.

So, if you get any choice in the matter, bring your kids up in the countries at the top of the list. But most of us don’t have that luxury. Can we learn anything as parents about what happens in the good countries, even if we are condemned to live in the bad ones?

The article doesn’t help much, as it focuses on macro things like social policy. My own theory is very clear. In the Nordics, and even more in the Netherlands, the key actor is the child. They are encouraged to learn for themselves. With a safety net, kids are allowed to make their own decisions as early as is practical. Much as we are encouraged to coach young staff at work, in fact. In the UK, everyone is blamed – parents, teachers, police, government – everyone except the kids themselves. All the other parties see their role as controlling the child’s behaviour, not enabling the child’s growth.

Of course it is not so black and white as I paint it. But I do believe there is a marked difference in attitude, one that we can all learn from as parents, even without uprooting our families and moving country. Congratulations to the Netherlands, that is one league table it really is worth being top of.

If you really have some sway over which countries your children will grow up in, then of course there is more to it than choosing a place. Is it a good or a bad thing for kids to move about? My own view is that it depends on the child, but in moderation it can be more good than bad. Here are some tips and reflections. The phenomenon is known as third culture kids, and there is good literature worth reading if it may apply to your own family.

Try to avoid changes of school between 11 and 18, but don’t be too concerned before that. Recognise that every change is a derailment risk to be handled with care, just when you are also under strain as parents. I see little positive in sending kids away to school. Be aware that expatriate life can create little rich kids who need a burst of reality every so often, and should be encouraged to see the tougher side of life early, and to understand how to earn money and budget.

But on the positive side, be reassured that your kids won’t grow up as small-minded little bigots. Most important, they will acquire some steel and some independence. My daughter has waved goodbye to best friend after best friend, but as a result she will always be ready to move on herself (and won’t be short of free accommodation around the world either!).